The bathroom election

That shaking you feel is not an earthquake. It is our country’s founders rolling in their graves. Here in Florida, on the front burner of the next presidential election, politics is all about how we use the bathroom.

At Mar-A-Lago our nation’s secrets are protected by a sign, Top Secret, correction, make that “occupied.” Meanwhile, the Florida governor, who wants to be in charge of all those secrets, has signed a flood of legislation that threatens to block the plumbing. It is now a crime to use the wrong bathroom in Florida. And, according to the U.S. Justice Department, it is also a crime to use a bathroom, wrongly, in Florida. I have some sympathy for teachers who are tasked with the job of teaching our young people civics.

If you visit Florida — and we hope you do — it might be wise to, well, just wait until you leave and are safely in another state before using the bathroom. If you innocently make a bathroom mistake and our local judges express understanding, our legislators may just convene a special session and pass a new law and make it retroactive. They did just that in an effort to trap Mickey Mouse.

While you are here in the land of sunshine, be careful about casual remarks regarding our Mouse-Trapper-in-Chief. Your statement could be grounds for a defamation lawsuit. And claiming that it was just a rumor that you heard from an anonymous commentary writer whose name you can’t remember and wouldn’t if you could will automatically be disqualified as a legal defense.    

We have loads of entertainment in Florida for visitors. For sightseers, we have lots of skin on the beach. For the rugged outdoor types, we have hurricanes, although those are by special invitation. We sometimes ask visitors to leave during hurricanes because the public bathroom signage might get blown away, and if there is any doubt, our bathroom police will demand to see your birth certificate.

If you choose to buy a home in Florida, we have contractors who will install a state-of-the-art document safe in your bathroom. Homes with bathroom file boxes have lower resale value.

Bring sunscreen. In Florida, people can get burned in the bathroom.

Jack Stevenson is a retired infantry officer, civil service and private corporation employee who now reads history, follows issues important to Americans, and writes commentary from his home in Pensacola, Florida.